How to Set Expectations without Feeling Guilty or Rude

Have you ever felt guilty or worried you'll come across as rude if you set firm expectations with someone?  In a world where politeness has become confused with not speaking our truth, many of us have decided to back down when other people (for example, our employees or kids) don't like what we're asking of them.

The bummer about that is we become stressed, others don't know exactly what's expected of them, and eventually they stop trusting us to lead.  If you want to set expectations firmly but without having to shout or feel angry, follow this advice: Keep It Simple.  I briefly explain this in the video below, but if you'd like a more detailed description, jump to the paragraph below.

When it comes to setting expectations, Keep It Simple means:

• Manage your own emotions.  If you come to the conversation anticipating pushback or worried about being liked, then your nervous system will be prepped for a fight and it will be very difficult for you keep it simple.  Do your best to keep an open heart, breathe deeply and focus on the facts.
• Be clear. If there are only two options, then make that clear.  You might say, "I need you to know that these are the only two options available right now." 
• Avoid debating about why those are the only options, unless you are willing to change them.  If the other person says the two options won't work, invite them to tell you why they believe that.  
• If their answer is free from emotional reaction and they seem to have valid points, then consider whether or not you want to (or can) change the options. 
• If their answer is fueled by emotional reaction, then take that as a clue that they are feeling threatened or afraid.  Ask them what they need in order to succeed with option A or option B and do your best to help them get what they need, but make it clear that they are responsible for their own success.

You don't worry about coming across as rude when you give someone your address do you?  You know that the only way they'll find your house is if you keep it simple and tell them your address, rather than describing the general part of town you live in and hoping they'll eventually find you.  It's the same thing when stating expectations.  Being clear about your expectations empowers the other person to succeed the same way giving your address empowers someone to come to your house.  And, it frees you from the stress of trying to please everyone.  Try it!  I think you'll like it.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.

Effective Communication: Making it Simple

Why is communication so hard?!?  Most of us have wanted to shout that from the rooftops at least once in our lives.  I know I have, and effective communication is my area of expertise!  When communication seems hard, it is because we  are focusing on what's outside of ourselves.  Either we try to memorize personality types, body language tips and role playing scripts, or we spend hours analyzing our own and other people's words & actions, trying to predict what will happen.  How exhausting - and confusing!

That's why I created The Communication Iceberg, a very simple tool that can help you to quickly figure out...

1. What is driving conflict; 
2. What is driving your own frustration, fear or discomfort; and 
3. Where to focus in order to get what you want (e.g., resolve conflict, build relationships or get stuff done)

Before I explain the Iceberg, why not try a simple activity to see for yourself how it works? First, bring to your mind a current situation in which you feel communication is difficult. Do your best to think of the situation in detail, as if it were a scene in a movie.  Then, take a look at the blue portion of The Communication Iceberg and notice what catches your attention.  Next, ask yourself how the item in the Iceberg that caught your attention relates to your difficult situation.  Trust the first thing that comes to your mind.  That process will help you to understand what's really driving the difficulty.  Very often, I discover that the real driver is not at all what I had originally thought.  

For example, I used to be very hard on myself. I took pride in being a perfectionist, even though I never lived up to my expectations. I was afraid of disappointing people, especially my supervisor at work. When I was working for someone who was critical or rarely praised my work, I felt angry that my good work was not acknowledged.  On the surface, it seemed like my boss needed to change her behavior to make me feel better.  However, if I looked below the surface, I would have realized that it was my Deeper Feelings of inadequacy and my Unmet Needs for rest & authentic relationship that really drove my dissatisfaction.  Make sense?

Here's how The Communication Iceberg works: 

• What's above the surface is obvious and reportable. It's what we usually focus on.
• Focus here to define goals, set expectations, coach behavior and acknowledge excellence.
• Be careful to avoid interpretation - Actions, Words & Reactions are obvious, but their meaning is not.
• What's below the surface is internal.  It's what we usually ignore.
• When we give it our attention, it guides us toward deep satisfaction and healing.
• When we ignore or deny it, it drives negative reactions (e.g. fear, anger, blame, worry, despair).
• Focus here to identify what's really going on within yourself.
• Show this to others so they can identify what's going on inside themselves (even if you think you already know).

If you want to get stuff done or guide behavior, be specific about the words or actions that you want.  This works with goal setting very well. You could set the goal "I will lose weight."  Or, you could be specific and paint a picture of what you want to accomplish: "I will walk for 20 minutes every day." Can you see how being specific makes a goal more memorable and actionable? It works with management too; the more specific you are when setting expectations, coaching for improvement, or acknowledging excellence, the more your words will have the impact you desire.

If you want to build relationships or resolve painful reactions, be curious about what's below the surface-within yourself.  Once you recognize what's really going on, then you can decide how you want to address it.  When I became willing to look at how my perfectionism was hurting me, I decided to address it by reading books, spending time in reflection and working with a counselor. Many possibilities open up once we take responsibility for our own Icebergs.

If you are a manager, parent or teacher and you want to help other people to develop, show them the Iceberg.  It isn't your responsibility to guess what's in someone else's Iceberg - and, in fact, it's impossible. 

Summary

90% of what's really going on in communication occurs within ourselves.  The top of the iceberg represents what is obvious in communication - what is reportable.  Words and Actions, whether written, spoken, acted out in person or by video, are obvious. For example, "Annie arrived to work at 8:00am and she did not smile at me." Actions and Words are obvious but their meaning is not.  Unless you ask her, you won't know why Annie did not smile at you (hint: It's probably not about you).

Our brains take care of us by drawing conclusions, like If I sit on that chair, it will hold me.  Conclusions we draw about objects are pretty reliable. But, the conclusions we draw about  people - they never listen to me; he said that because; what she really meant was - rarely are. 

The four items below the surface of The Communication Iceberg - Deeper Feelings, Unmet Needs, Assumptions and Unexpressed Wants - drive negative reactions.  You have the power to identify these within yourself and then take care of what's really going on.

Conclusion

At this point, you might be thinking, "Hey Annie, you said that communication was simple, and what you've shared doesn't seem simple at all. What gives?"  It's true, what you discover below the surface can be pretty messy or confusing.  

The reason I believe that communication is simple is that both the source of and the answers to what's really bothering us always lie within ourselves.  Effective communication isn't about understanding other people's motivations, personality or preferences; it's about understanding and taking responsibility for our own Iceberg.  The Communication Iceberg can help us to quickly identify what's going on below the surface, so that we can spend our time & energy on what really matters.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.

Life is more than Either/Or

Either I am good or I am bad...either I am happy or I am sad...either I must work or I can rest...

My mind likes to think in terms of either/or instead of both/and. Maybe it's because either/or thinking is cleaner, more organized. Growing up, organization felt soothing to me because it gave me a sense of safety.  My simple lists (of chores, meals or homework assignments) helped me to believe that something in my chaotic surroundings was predictable.  So, maybe it isn't so much that my mind likes to think in terms of either/or as it is that my mind is used to thinking that way.

Lately I have been noticing different ways in which this coping mechanism - which served me very well when I was young - actually limits my freedom and my joy. Sitting by the ocean, I thought about the fact that the tides move in and out, not in or out. The water is constantly in motion, and that motion facilitates life for millions of creatures. The most beautiful times of day occur when day and night blend, showing me what both/and can create.

I think it's time for me to put down little Annie's safety blanket called Either/Or so that I can open up to my life's fullest, deepest, yummiest, messiest potentialities. I enjoy working and I enjoy resting - sometimes in the very same day! Sometimes I feel happy and sad at the same time. My whole being yearns to serve the world and to be a mother and to live in love with my husband. When I think of choosing one or the other, my energy drops and my heart feels sad and scared.  But, when I think of opening up to all three, my energy soars and my heart sings!

Today, I remember that my mind supports me by repeating patterns and some of those patterns that used to serve me, now no longer do. I also remember that my heart and body support me by responding to my thoughts in ways that help me to decide if those thoughts are true and helpful, or false and unhelpful.  By giving attention to my body (energy) and my heart in this moment, I am learning to relax into a new pattern, called Both/And. That feels soooooo good!

***
My newest book, The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love, is a great resource if you are curious about how your mind, heart, body and spirit/intuition communicate within you.

Allowing VS Controlling

Like many couples, my husband and I are opposites. He was predisposed to go with the flow, while I came out of the womb with a checklist in hand!  My urge to control comes in handy during a crisis, but at most other times, it actually creates a sense of crisis inside of me - one that my brain wants to resolve by trying to control even more.

My hubby and I are both authors and each of our books was published in September. Since then, Doug has continued to post to his blog and, while he would like more readers to post reviews of his book on Amazon, he's been very calm about the whole thing, trusting that if his fantasy novel is supposed to be successful, it will be.

I, on the other hand, have signed us up for marketing workshops, read books on how to publicize a book, and generally kept myself awake adding to my "To Do" list and knowing I can't possibly complete it. 

While Doug trusted fully, I trusted on a superficial level, 

but emotionally, physically and mentally 

I worried that I wasn't doing enough...

...and therefore, my book would not help the millions of people I believe it can help, and therefore, I would have wasted my life (a bit melodramatic, I know, but that's where my brain can take me in a nanosecond).  And oh, by the way, I'm exhausted. 

So, here's the thing: I teach that everything in our lives mirrors the core beliefs we hold about ourselves. My belief that I have to do/control has been mirrored to me in my physical, mental and emotional weariness and by very slow progress with responses to my marketing efforts (as far as I know). 
  
On the other hand, Doug's belief that his role is to facilitate or allow whatever is meant to be, has been mirrored to him beautifully in the past week.  Without him controlling anything, his book was selected by Barnes and Noble to be sold in stores, then the same day we heard that great news, he received a phone call from a blogger who had come across Doug's business card, on which he has his book cover and a QR code for the book.  The blogger was so taken by Doug's book cover that she visited his blog and she liked his blog so much, that she decided she wanted to read his book and write a blog about it!

Seeing my beloved engage with life as an Allower helps me to deepen my trust in the process.  This weekend, I put my Controller to bed and decided to focus on following my bliss from moment to moment. If I feel inspired to market my book, I will.  If I feel inspired to take a walk or nap, I will.  Today, I awoke to find 2 new 5 star reviews of my book posted to Amazon and a message from a reader who told me my book had changed her life. 

As soon as we change what's on the inside, 

life mirrors those changes on the outside.

Is it okay to rest? Ask your body or heart first.

It's Thanksgiving week in the US and holiday time in many countries, which means that we should be busy all the time taking care of others, making sure our homes look perfect and ensuring that everyone is happy.  Right?  If we're tired, then that's a good sign that we're doing what we're supposed to, because 'tis the season for giving, not receiving.  Right?  And, if we're suffering, then we MUST be doing something right.  Right?  

Depending on your upbringing and how much time you spend looking outside yourself to assess your worth, you might believe everything I just wrote. I know I used to believe it. In fact, I used to feel guilty if I rested and I believed that if I was not suffering in some way, then I wasn't working hard enough. It's no wonder depression skyrockets during the holidays, is it? 

When we only pay attention to our thoughts, 

we can become driven by "shoulds" 

and disconnected from the joy in life.

If you feel exhausted or overwhelmed this week, you can open up to ease by trying one or more of the exercises below. I use them all the time to help me overcome the "shoulds.":

1.  Take a deep breath, let it out fully. Place your hand on the center of your chest and continue breathing deeply. When you're ready, ask yourself, "Is it okay for me to rest?" and then notice the first thing that comes to your mind. 

2.  Do your best to give your attention to the first response you notice when you ask, "Is it okay for me to rest?" The first thing that comes to your mind will be from your deeper truth. Right after that, your mind might jump in with the old messages, like "No, you can't rest." If that happens or if you start having anxious thoughts, just take another deep breath and repeat the question. 

3.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What does it feel like to be in my skin right now?" If you notice that your body feels tired, consider lying down for 10 minutes. If lying down inspires anxiety, then consider stepping outside into the cool air or simply stretching your arms up and moving your body in some way that isn't work.

4.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "How does my heart feel right now?" Whatever the response is, you don't have to change it. Just giving your attention to your heart will open up a sense of ease, even if you feel like crying - let yourself cry because crying is one way that the body releases energy. 

5.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What is the next right thing for me to do?" and then notice how the response that you get feels to you. 

I know there are lots of other great ways to open up to ease during the holiday season ~ please tell me what works for you in the comment section.  And, remember: 

You are enough, just are you are!

(really)

Looking into the mirror

I've been looking into the mirror of myself and wondering which reflections to believe, which reflections to transform.  I know that my power relies on the images I choose to believe, and my future will be shaped by them.

In the past, when I looked inside, I only saw images I wanted to change; nothing inside me looked good enough to my sight, and I gave my power away to people and things outside of myself that promised to make me worthy (of love, security, relationship, play).

Today, I know that when my internal mirror shows me an image I don't like or want to change, that's just a sign that my body, mind, heart or spirit is in need of love.  Today, I use my power to open up to love in every moment, beginning with love from me to me. That way, I have no need of others' validation and I am free to give and receive without fear.