How to Set Expectations without Feeling Guilty or Rude

Have you ever felt guilty or worried you'll come across as rude if you set firm expectations with someone?  In a world where politeness has become confused with not speaking our truth, many of us have decided to back down when other people (for example, our employees or kids) don't like what we're asking of them.

The bummer about that is we become stressed, others don't know exactly what's expected of them, and eventually they stop trusting us to lead.  If you want to set expectations firmly but without having to shout or feel angry, follow this advice: Keep It Simple.  I briefly explain this in the video below, but if you'd like a more detailed description, jump to the paragraph below.

When it comes to setting expectations, Keep It Simple means:

• Manage your own emotions.  If you come to the conversation anticipating pushback or worried about being liked, then your nervous system will be prepped for a fight and it will be very difficult for you keep it simple.  Do your best to keep an open heart, breathe deeply and focus on the facts.
• Be clear. If there are only two options, then make that clear.  You might say, "I need you to know that these are the only two options available right now." 
• Avoid debating about why those are the only options, unless you are willing to change them.  If the other person says the two options won't work, invite them to tell you why they believe that.  
• If their answer is free from emotional reaction and they seem to have valid points, then consider whether or not you want to (or can) change the options. 
• If their answer is fueled by emotional reaction, then take that as a clue that they are feeling threatened or afraid.  Ask them what they need in order to succeed with option A or option B and do your best to help them get what they need, but make it clear that they are responsible for their own success.

You don't worry about coming across as rude when you give someone your address do you?  You know that the only way they'll find your house is if you keep it simple and tell them your address, rather than describing the general part of town you live in and hoping they'll eventually find you.  It's the same thing when stating expectations.  Being clear about your expectations empowers the other person to succeed the same way giving your address empowers someone to come to your house.  And, it frees you from the stress of trying to please everyone.  Try it!  I think you'll like it.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.

Effective Communication: Making it Simple

Why is communication so hard?!?  Most of us have wanted to shout that from the rooftops at least once in our lives.  I know I have, and effective communication is my area of expertise!  When communication seems hard, it is because we  are focusing on what's outside of ourselves.  Either we try to memorize personality types, body language tips and role playing scripts, or we spend hours analyzing our own and other people's words & actions, trying to predict what will happen.  How exhausting - and confusing!

That's why I created The Communication Iceberg, a very simple tool that can help you to quickly figure out...

1. What is driving conflict; 
2. What is driving your own frustration, fear or discomfort; and 
3. Where to focus in order to get what you want (e.g., resolve conflict, build relationships or get stuff done)

Before I explain the Iceberg, why not try a simple activity to see for yourself how it works? First, bring to your mind a current situation in which you feel communication is difficult. Do your best to think of the situation in detail, as if it were a scene in a movie.  Then, take a look at the blue portion of The Communication Iceberg and notice what catches your attention.  Next, ask yourself how the item in the Iceberg that caught your attention relates to your difficult situation.  Trust the first thing that comes to your mind.  That process will help you to understand what's really driving the difficulty.  Very often, I discover that the real driver is not at all what I had originally thought.  

For example, I used to be very hard on myself. I took pride in being a perfectionist, even though I never lived up to my expectations. I was afraid of disappointing people, especially my supervisor at work. When I was working for someone who was critical or rarely praised my work, I felt angry that my good work was not acknowledged.  On the surface, it seemed like my boss needed to change her behavior to make me feel better.  However, if I looked below the surface, I would have realized that it was my Deeper Feelings of inadequacy and my Unmet Needs for rest & authentic relationship that really drove my dissatisfaction.  Make sense?

Here's how The Communication Iceberg works: 

• What's above the surface is obvious and reportable. It's what we usually focus on.
• Focus here to define goals, set expectations, coach behavior and acknowledge excellence.
• Be careful to avoid interpretation - Actions, Words & Reactions are obvious, but their meaning is not.
• What's below the surface is internal.  It's what we usually ignore.
• When we give it our attention, it guides us toward deep satisfaction and healing.
• When we ignore or deny it, it drives negative reactions (e.g. fear, anger, blame, worry, despair).
• Focus here to identify what's really going on within yourself.
• Show this to others so they can identify what's going on inside themselves (even if you think you already know).

If you want to get stuff done or guide behavior, be specific about the words or actions that you want.  This works with goal setting very well. You could set the goal "I will lose weight."  Or, you could be specific and paint a picture of what you want to accomplish: "I will walk for 20 minutes every day." Can you see how being specific makes a goal more memorable and actionable? It works with management too; the more specific you are when setting expectations, coaching for improvement, or acknowledging excellence, the more your words will have the impact you desire.

If you want to build relationships or resolve painful reactions, be curious about what's below the surface-within yourself.  Once you recognize what's really going on, then you can decide how you want to address it.  When I became willing to look at how my perfectionism was hurting me, I decided to address it by reading books, spending time in reflection and working with a counselor. Many possibilities open up once we take responsibility for our own Icebergs.

If you are a manager, parent or teacher and you want to help other people to develop, show them the Iceberg.  It isn't your responsibility to guess what's in someone else's Iceberg - and, in fact, it's impossible. 

Summary

90% of what's really going on in communication occurs within ourselves.  The top of the iceberg represents what is obvious in communication - what is reportable.  Words and Actions, whether written, spoken, acted out in person or by video, are obvious. For example, "Annie arrived to work at 8:00am and she did not smile at me." Actions and Words are obvious but their meaning is not.  Unless you ask her, you won't know why Annie did not smile at you (hint: It's probably not about you).

Our brains take care of us by drawing conclusions, like If I sit on that chair, it will hold me.  Conclusions we draw about objects are pretty reliable. But, the conclusions we draw about  people - they never listen to me; he said that because; what she really meant was - rarely are. 

The four items below the surface of The Communication Iceberg - Deeper Feelings, Unmet Needs, Assumptions and Unexpressed Wants - drive negative reactions.  You have the power to identify these within yourself and then take care of what's really going on.

Conclusion

At this point, you might be thinking, "Hey Annie, you said that communication was simple, and what you've shared doesn't seem simple at all. What gives?"  It's true, what you discover below the surface can be pretty messy or confusing.  

The reason I believe that communication is simple is that both the source of and the answers to what's really bothering us always lie within ourselves.  Effective communication isn't about understanding other people's motivations, personality or preferences; it's about understanding and taking responsibility for our own Iceberg.  The Communication Iceberg can help us to quickly identify what's going on below the surface, so that we can spend our time & energy on what really matters.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.