How to Set Expectations without Feeling Guilty or Rude

Have you ever felt guilty or worried you'll come across as rude if you set firm expectations with someone?  In a world where politeness has become confused with not speaking our truth, many of us have decided to back down when other people (for example, our employees or kids) don't like what we're asking of them.

The bummer about that is we become stressed, others don't know exactly what's expected of them, and eventually they stop trusting us to lead.  If you want to set expectations firmly but without having to shout or feel angry, follow this advice: Keep It Simple.  I briefly explain this in the video below, but if you'd like a more detailed description, jump to the paragraph below.

When it comes to setting expectations, Keep It Simple means:

• Manage your own emotions.  If you come to the conversation anticipating pushback or worried about being liked, then your nervous system will be prepped for a fight and it will be very difficult for you keep it simple.  Do your best to keep an open heart, breathe deeply and focus on the facts.
• Be clear. If there are only two options, then make that clear.  You might say, "I need you to know that these are the only two options available right now." 
• Avoid debating about why those are the only options, unless you are willing to change them.  If the other person says the two options won't work, invite them to tell you why they believe that.  
• If their answer is free from emotional reaction and they seem to have valid points, then consider whether or not you want to (or can) change the options. 
• If their answer is fueled by emotional reaction, then take that as a clue that they are feeling threatened or afraid.  Ask them what they need in order to succeed with option A or option B and do your best to help them get what they need, but make it clear that they are responsible for their own success.

You don't worry about coming across as rude when you give someone your address do you?  You know that the only way they'll find your house is if you keep it simple and tell them your address, rather than describing the general part of town you live in and hoping they'll eventually find you.  It's the same thing when stating expectations.  Being clear about your expectations empowers the other person to succeed the same way giving your address empowers someone to come to your house.  And, it frees you from the stress of trying to please everyone.  Try it!  I think you'll like it.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.