Breakthrough!

They say, "Good things come to those who wait."  I'm not sure waiting is so powerful, but I do believe good things are around every corner and in each and every moment.  Maybe "Good things come to those who release themselves from yuck" would be more accurate!  In any case, I've titled this post Breakthrough! because I feel like I've flown, with my arm outstretched like SuperAnnie, through an energetic ceiling and found myself in an open, expansive yet comfortable/not scary new space.

The worry that had been plaguing me is gone.  Somehow, sensations of peace and reassurance have taken its place and I feel confident that everything will be alright.  I am resisting any urge to analyze the minute details of this shift because my mind has a way of reinserting worry when I allow it to dwell on things it doesn't understand.  I know that the rest of me - my heart, body and spirit - perceives truth more easily than my mind does, so I am giving my attention to those and allowing my mind to rest and catch up.

Want to know what propelled me into this new space?  What fount of meditative wisdom ushered in tranquility?  Well...it was the complete meltdown I wrote about a few posts ago.  That's right, a meltdown was the key to my freedom.

I got to the point where I was unwilling to pretend everything was alright and I opened up to my pain by giving it full expression.  I cried, ranted, raged, and said exactly what I felt was true in that moment.

Instead of telling myself "It'll be okay" or something else meant to change my state, I said what I really believed: "I've wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on education that isn't helping anyone and is putting immense strain on my life."

If I had dwelled on that last thought, I would have felt worse and worse because my brain would have reinforced my painful belief and the energy would have continued to swirl inside me.  Instead, I gave the thought and its accompanying emotions full expression and guess what happened?  The energy MOVED OUT of me.

Think of it this way: Imagine you are holding a balloon filled with air. You're holding the mouth of the balloon closed and becoming more and more upset about the air that's in the balloon - you want it out.  You look at the balloon, visualize the air leaving it, beat it against a wall over and over again...nothing changes.  Then, when you've had it, you yell, through your arms open wide and, without thinking, you open your hand. The balloon takes off, ejecting air as it spins and races through the air until finally, it comes to rest, empty.  What had seemed impossible was achieved effortlessly once your grip opened up.  That's what happened to me.

Living in a state of openness, rather than trying to control everything, I feel better and my business blossoms.  It's happened many times before, but I forgot because I was so distracted by my failing attempts to control.  Isn't that unnerving?  We can so quickly forget the ease and get stuck in the yuck.  But, luckily, it's just as quick to free ourselves from the yuck and breakthrough into ease.

Last week, I gave a presentation to the local chapter of SHRM, (Society for Human Resource Management).  Afterwards, a woman sent me this email:

Annie,

Thank you for such a wonderful presentation yesterday.  I have my Master’s in HR Management, and have taken a complete course on conflict management.  I got more out of your one hour presentation than that entire course.

How much do you charge to present that 1 hr session to a business?  I would love to have my management team hear your presentation.

Thank you,

I am happy to be attracting new clients. And, even if new clients did not find me, I know that everything is alright.  I am free from the yuck that was plaguing me, so anything is possible!

Personal Healing: How to Access Your Deep Truth

Do you ever wonder when you'll be smart enough, rich enough, pretty/handsome enough, or just plain enough?  In this week's video I show you a quick, simple exercise that will help you to access your own deep wisdom and answer the "Am I enough?" question once and for all.  Please comment and share :)

Effective Communication: Making it Simple

Why is communication so hard?!?  Most of us have wanted to shout that from the rooftops at least once in our lives.  I know I have, and effective communication is my area of expertise!  When communication seems hard, it is because we  are focusing on what's outside of ourselves.  Either we try to memorize personality types, body language tips and role playing scripts, or we spend hours analyzing our own and other people's words & actions, trying to predict what will happen.  How exhausting - and confusing!

That's why I created The Communication Iceberg, a very simple tool that can help you to quickly figure out...

1. What is driving conflict; 
2. What is driving your own frustration, fear or discomfort; and 
3. Where to focus in order to get what you want (e.g., resolve conflict, build relationships or get stuff done)

Before I explain the Iceberg, why not try a simple activity to see for yourself how it works? First, bring to your mind a current situation in which you feel communication is difficult. Do your best to think of the situation in detail, as if it were a scene in a movie.  Then, take a look at the blue portion of The Communication Iceberg and notice what catches your attention.  Next, ask yourself how the item in the Iceberg that caught your attention relates to your difficult situation.  Trust the first thing that comes to your mind.  That process will help you to understand what's really driving the difficulty.  Very often, I discover that the real driver is not at all what I had originally thought.  

For example, I used to be very hard on myself. I took pride in being a perfectionist, even though I never lived up to my expectations. I was afraid of disappointing people, especially my supervisor at work. When I was working for someone who was critical or rarely praised my work, I felt angry that my good work was not acknowledged.  On the surface, it seemed like my boss needed to change her behavior to make me feel better.  However, if I looked below the surface, I would have realized that it was my Deeper Feelings of inadequacy and my Unmet Needs for rest & authentic relationship that really drove my dissatisfaction.  Make sense?

Here's how The Communication Iceberg works: 

• What's above the surface is obvious and reportable. It's what we usually focus on.
• Focus here to define goals, set expectations, coach behavior and acknowledge excellence.
• Be careful to avoid interpretation - Actions, Words & Reactions are obvious, but their meaning is not.
• What's below the surface is internal.  It's what we usually ignore.
• When we give it our attention, it guides us toward deep satisfaction and healing.
• When we ignore or deny it, it drives negative reactions (e.g. fear, anger, blame, worry, despair).
• Focus here to identify what's really going on within yourself.
• Show this to others so they can identify what's going on inside themselves (even if you think you already know).

If you want to get stuff done or guide behavior, be specific about the words or actions that you want.  This works with goal setting very well. You could set the goal "I will lose weight."  Or, you could be specific and paint a picture of what you want to accomplish: "I will walk for 20 minutes every day." Can you see how being specific makes a goal more memorable and actionable? It works with management too; the more specific you are when setting expectations, coaching for improvement, or acknowledging excellence, the more your words will have the impact you desire.

If you want to build relationships or resolve painful reactions, be curious about what's below the surface-within yourself.  Once you recognize what's really going on, then you can decide how you want to address it.  When I became willing to look at how my perfectionism was hurting me, I decided to address it by reading books, spending time in reflection and working with a counselor. Many possibilities open up once we take responsibility for our own Icebergs.

If you are a manager, parent or teacher and you want to help other people to develop, show them the Iceberg.  It isn't your responsibility to guess what's in someone else's Iceberg - and, in fact, it's impossible. 

Summary

90% of what's really going on in communication occurs within ourselves.  The top of the iceberg represents what is obvious in communication - what is reportable.  Words and Actions, whether written, spoken, acted out in person or by video, are obvious. For example, "Annie arrived to work at 8:00am and she did not smile at me." Actions and Words are obvious but their meaning is not.  Unless you ask her, you won't know why Annie did not smile at you (hint: It's probably not about you).

Our brains take care of us by drawing conclusions, like If I sit on that chair, it will hold me.  Conclusions we draw about objects are pretty reliable. But, the conclusions we draw about  people - they never listen to me; he said that because; what she really meant was - rarely are. 

The four items below the surface of The Communication Iceberg - Deeper Feelings, Unmet Needs, Assumptions and Unexpressed Wants - drive negative reactions.  You have the power to identify these within yourself and then take care of what's really going on.

Conclusion

At this point, you might be thinking, "Hey Annie, you said that communication was simple, and what you've shared doesn't seem simple at all. What gives?"  It's true, what you discover below the surface can be pretty messy or confusing.  

The reason I believe that communication is simple is that both the source of and the answers to what's really bothering us always lie within ourselves.  Effective communication isn't about understanding other people's motivations, personality or preferences; it's about understanding and taking responsibility for our own Iceberg.  The Communication Iceberg can help us to quickly identify what's going on below the surface, so that we can spend our time & energy on what really matters.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.