What is the measure of our worth?

I had a meltdown on Saturday. A true, snotty, sobbing meltdown.

I told my husband that I wanted to give up, and I meant it.

I felt like I had wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on my education and decades on my personal development, because I could not see how I was benefitting anyone.  And, what good was I if I was not benefitting others?

Eighteen months ago, we took a big risk and I left my job to work full-time for myself.  I published a book that, I'm told, is really helpful. Several people have contacted me to thank me for writing it.  Yet, sales have been sluggish and my income has been dismal.

What is the measure of our worth?

What is the measure of my own worth?

Those questions plagued me this weekend, as I broke down and finally faced the truth of how strongly I was attached to positive feedback from others, letting me know that my life had value because it had served them or because they wanted to hire me to speak at their event or coach them through a difficult situation.

I suppose you could say this was a case of a strength (having passion for serving and helping others) becoming a grave weakness (letting my service become a measuring stick of my enoughness).

The universe brings us pain only because that pain can help us open up to love in some way - that's what I believe, anyway.  I also believe the pain will intensify until we finally wake up, or break down as in my case, face the truth of how we are hurting ourselves (usually by believing crappy about ourselves or our lives), and make a more loving choice.

That's what happened to me on Saturday.

When I thought about how harmful it was to believe that my life only had worth if it was useful to someone else, I started thinking about the many hours I had invested in anxiously trying to figure out how to reach people and the many decisions I had made to follow what someone else wanted rather than following my own truth.

Take this blog for example.

Most of the time, I have no idea if anyone reads or benefits from what I write.  Usually, I only post something when I think I have something valuable to offer, but I have to admit that a few times I posted simply because someone else (some article I had read or a marketing "expert" I'd paid for advice) had told me I should post every x number of days.

I'm never sure if what I post is what my readers (assuming I have any) want or need, and that question really, really bothers me. A lot.

What if, I wonder now, what if I opened up and shared the messy particulars of being me, while I also share useful information?

Will anyone be interested?

Does it matter?

Today, I just want to be honest and not dwell on the questions or fears that cause anxiety.  Today, I follow my own truth.

What is the measure of our worth?