What is the measure of our worth?

I had a meltdown on Saturday. A true, snotty, sobbing meltdown.

I told my husband that I wanted to give up, and I meant it.

I felt like I had wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on my education and decades on my personal development, because I could not see how I was benefitting anyone.  And, what good was I if I was not benefitting others?

Eighteen months ago, we took a big risk and I left my job to work full-time for myself.  I published a book that, I'm told, is really helpful. Several people have contacted me to thank me for writing it.  Yet, sales have been sluggish and my income has been dismal.

What is the measure of our worth?

What is the measure of my own worth?

Those questions plagued me this weekend, as I broke down and finally faced the truth of how strongly I was attached to positive feedback from others, letting me know that my life had value because it had served them or because they wanted to hire me to speak at their event or coach them through a difficult situation.

I suppose you could say this was a case of a strength (having passion for serving and helping others) becoming a grave weakness (letting my service become a measuring stick of my enoughness).

The universe brings us pain only because that pain can help us open up to love in some way - that's what I believe, anyway.  I also believe the pain will intensify until we finally wake up, or break down as in my case, face the truth of how we are hurting ourselves (usually by believing crappy about ourselves or our lives), and make a more loving choice.

That's what happened to me on Saturday.

When I thought about how harmful it was to believe that my life only had worth if it was useful to someone else, I started thinking about the many hours I had invested in anxiously trying to figure out how to reach people and the many decisions I had made to follow what someone else wanted rather than following my own truth.

Take this blog for example.

Most of the time, I have no idea if anyone reads or benefits from what I write.  Usually, I only post something when I think I have something valuable to offer, but I have to admit that a few times I posted simply because someone else (some article I had read or a marketing "expert" I'd paid for advice) had told me I should post every x number of days.

I'm never sure if what I post is what my readers (assuming I have any) want or need, and that question really, really bothers me. A lot.

What if, I wonder now, what if I opened up and shared the messy particulars of being me, while I also share useful information?

Will anyone be interested?

Does it matter?

Today, I just want to be honest and not dwell on the questions or fears that cause anxiety.  Today, I follow my own truth.

What is the measure of our worth?

Allowing VS Controlling

Like many couples, my husband and I are opposites. He was predisposed to go with the flow, while I came out of the womb with a checklist in hand!  My urge to control comes in handy during a crisis, but at most other times, it actually creates a sense of crisis inside of me - one that my brain wants to resolve by trying to control even more.

My hubby and I are both authors and each of our books was published in September. Since then, Doug has continued to post to his blog and, while he would like more readers to post reviews of his book on Amazon, he's been very calm about the whole thing, trusting that if his fantasy novel is supposed to be successful, it will be.

I, on the other hand, have signed us up for marketing workshops, read books on how to publicize a book, and generally kept myself awake adding to my "To Do" list and knowing I can't possibly complete it. 

While Doug trusted fully, I trusted on a superficial level, 

but emotionally, physically and mentally 

I worried that I wasn't doing enough...

...and therefore, my book would not help the millions of people I believe it can help, and therefore, I would have wasted my life (a bit melodramatic, I know, but that's where my brain can take me in a nanosecond).  And oh, by the way, I'm exhausted. 

So, here's the thing: I teach that everything in our lives mirrors the core beliefs we hold about ourselves. My belief that I have to do/control has been mirrored to me in my physical, mental and emotional weariness and by very slow progress with responses to my marketing efforts (as far as I know). 
  
On the other hand, Doug's belief that his role is to facilitate or allow whatever is meant to be, has been mirrored to him beautifully in the past week.  Without him controlling anything, his book was selected by Barnes and Noble to be sold in stores, then the same day we heard that great news, he received a phone call from a blogger who had come across Doug's business card, on which he has his book cover and a QR code for the book.  The blogger was so taken by Doug's book cover that she visited his blog and she liked his blog so much, that she decided she wanted to read his book and write a blog about it!

Seeing my beloved engage with life as an Allower helps me to deepen my trust in the process.  This weekend, I put my Controller to bed and decided to focus on following my bliss from moment to moment. If I feel inspired to market my book, I will.  If I feel inspired to take a walk or nap, I will.  Today, I awoke to find 2 new 5 star reviews of my book posted to Amazon and a message from a reader who told me my book had changed her life. 

As soon as we change what's on the inside, 

life mirrors those changes on the outside.

Is it okay to rest? Ask your body or heart first.

It's Thanksgiving week in the US and holiday time in many countries, which means that we should be busy all the time taking care of others, making sure our homes look perfect and ensuring that everyone is happy.  Right?  If we're tired, then that's a good sign that we're doing what we're supposed to, because 'tis the season for giving, not receiving.  Right?  And, if we're suffering, then we MUST be doing something right.  Right?  

Depending on your upbringing and how much time you spend looking outside yourself to assess your worth, you might believe everything I just wrote. I know I used to believe it. In fact, I used to feel guilty if I rested and I believed that if I was not suffering in some way, then I wasn't working hard enough. It's no wonder depression skyrockets during the holidays, is it? 

When we only pay attention to our thoughts, 

we can become driven by "shoulds" 

and disconnected from the joy in life.

If you feel exhausted or overwhelmed this week, you can open up to ease by trying one or more of the exercises below. I use them all the time to help me overcome the "shoulds.":

1.  Take a deep breath, let it out fully. Place your hand on the center of your chest and continue breathing deeply. When you're ready, ask yourself, "Is it okay for me to rest?" and then notice the first thing that comes to your mind. 

2.  Do your best to give your attention to the first response you notice when you ask, "Is it okay for me to rest?" The first thing that comes to your mind will be from your deeper truth. Right after that, your mind might jump in with the old messages, like "No, you can't rest." If that happens or if you start having anxious thoughts, just take another deep breath and repeat the question. 

3.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What does it feel like to be in my skin right now?" If you notice that your body feels tired, consider lying down for 10 minutes. If lying down inspires anxiety, then consider stepping outside into the cool air or simply stretching your arms up and moving your body in some way that isn't work.

4.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "How does my heart feel right now?" Whatever the response is, you don't have to change it. Just giving your attention to your heart will open up a sense of ease, even if you feel like crying - let yourself cry because crying is one way that the body releases energy. 

5.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What is the next right thing for me to do?" and then notice how the response that you get feels to you. 

I know there are lots of other great ways to open up to ease during the holiday season ~ please tell me what works for you in the comment section.  And, remember: 

You are enough, just are you are!

(really)