New Location for This Blog

Dear reader,

I finally figured out how to integrate my blog with my website (wonders never cease!), so please join me at www.opennessworks.com/blog for future posts.

Many blessings,
Annie

Breakthrough!

They say, "Good things come to those who wait."  I'm not sure waiting is so powerful, but I do believe good things are around every corner and in each and every moment.  Maybe "Good things come to those who release themselves from yuck" would be more accurate!  In any case, I've titled this post Breakthrough! because I feel like I've flown, with my arm outstretched like SuperAnnie, through an energetic ceiling and found myself in an open, expansive yet comfortable/not scary new space.

The worry that had been plaguing me is gone.  Somehow, sensations of peace and reassurance have taken its place and I feel confident that everything will be alright.  I am resisting any urge to analyze the minute details of this shift because my mind has a way of reinserting worry when I allow it to dwell on things it doesn't understand.  I know that the rest of me - my heart, body and spirit - perceives truth more easily than my mind does, so I am giving my attention to those and allowing my mind to rest and catch up.

Want to know what propelled me into this new space?  What fount of meditative wisdom ushered in tranquility?  Well...it was the complete meltdown I wrote about a few posts ago.  That's right, a meltdown was the key to my freedom.

I got to the point where I was unwilling to pretend everything was alright and I opened up to my pain by giving it full expression.  I cried, ranted, raged, and said exactly what I felt was true in that moment.

Instead of telling myself "It'll be okay" or something else meant to change my state, I said what I really believed: "I've wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on education that isn't helping anyone and is putting immense strain on my life."

If I had dwelled on that last thought, I would have felt worse and worse because my brain would have reinforced my painful belief and the energy would have continued to swirl inside me.  Instead, I gave the thought and its accompanying emotions full expression and guess what happened?  The energy MOVED OUT of me.

Think of it this way: Imagine you are holding a balloon filled with air. You're holding the mouth of the balloon closed and becoming more and more upset about the air that's in the balloon - you want it out.  You look at the balloon, visualize the air leaving it, beat it against a wall over and over again...nothing changes.  Then, when you've had it, you yell, through your arms open wide and, without thinking, you open your hand. The balloon takes off, ejecting air as it spins and races through the air until finally, it comes to rest, empty.  What had seemed impossible was achieved effortlessly once your grip opened up.  That's what happened to me.

Living in a state of openness, rather than trying to control everything, I feel better and my business blossoms.  It's happened many times before, but I forgot because I was so distracted by my failing attempts to control.  Isn't that unnerving?  We can so quickly forget the ease and get stuck in the yuck.  But, luckily, it's just as quick to free ourselves from the yuck and breakthrough into ease.

Last week, I gave a presentation to the local chapter of SHRM, (Society for Human Resource Management).  Afterwards, a woman sent me this email:

Annie,

Thank you for such a wonderful presentation yesterday.  I have my Master’s in HR Management, and have taken a complete course on conflict management.  I got more out of your one hour presentation than that entire course.

How much do you charge to present that 1 hr session to a business?  I would love to have my management team hear your presentation.

Thank you,

I am happy to be attracting new clients. And, even if new clients did not find me, I know that everything is alright.  I am free from the yuck that was plaguing me, so anything is possible!

Do what you do not want to do, Annie.

Do what you do not want to do.  That's what my refrigerator tells me now, every time I see the note I posted last weekend.

My husband and I had gotten into a routine that could have been a case study for The Path of Least Resistance.  Even though we agreed that we were wasting hours every evening watching movies and stupid TV shows on Hulu, neither of us felt like doing anything different.  In fact, most of the time we did not want to do anything different, because we were tired or bummed out and we just wanted to do nothing.  This pattern, along with issues with my work, had me so depressed that I had finally broken down.

Do what you do not want to do.

Over the weekend, Doug and I talked about what we really wanted for ourselves.  Did we really want fatigue, listlessness and expanding waistlines?  Well, no.  Duh.

But really, no, we did not want those, and we finally accepted the fact that we would have to change our behaviors if we wanted to experience something else.

For the first time in a long time, we sat face to face, looked into each other's eyes and talked about our deep desires for our daily life, our careers, and family.  And, we decided that even though we didn't want to change our routine, we would do it.

Do what you do not want to do.

To support ourselves with this change, we moved Doug's office upstairs and made his old office into a workout room, the centerpiece of which is our TV!  This way, if we want to watch something, we'll have to work for it.  Or, rather, the TV will help us enjoy exercising.  See how perspective changes everything, Annie?

Last Monday night, for the first time in a loooong time, Doug and I sat in the living room together with music playing.  We talked, he worked on his new novel (holy moly, is it gonna be good!), and I tried out a couple of recipes from a new Paleo cookbook.

Can I tell you how much we got done?!?  Both of us were amazed by how much energy we had, even after a really busy day.  And, we got the added bonus of super tasty & healthy blueberry muffins :)

Do what you do not want to do.

Another way I'm applying this new mantra is with my thoughts.  It's easy for me to worry and spend tons of mental energy trying to figure out what I can or should do in order for something to turn out "right."  When I get into that pattern, I don't want to let go of my racing thoughts, because what if I'm just about to discover the secrets of the universe?!?

Today, when I sense worry creeping in, I remember my refrigerator's sage advice, Do what you do not want to do, and I choose to focus my attention on positive, affirming thoughts instead.  And you know what?  I've been more productive, I've enjoyed my work more, and my back doesn't hurt as much as  usual.  Hmmmm.

Do what you do not want to do, and eventually, that will become what you want to do!

What is the measure of our worth?

I had a meltdown on Saturday. A true, snotty, sobbing meltdown.

I told my husband that I wanted to give up, and I meant it.

I felt like I had wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on my education and decades on my personal development, because I could not see how I was benefitting anyone.  And, what good was I if I was not benefitting others?

Eighteen months ago, we took a big risk and I left my job to work full-time for myself.  I published a book that, I'm told, is really helpful. Several people have contacted me to thank me for writing it.  Yet, sales have been sluggish and my income has been dismal.

What is the measure of our worth?

What is the measure of my own worth?

Those questions plagued me this weekend, as I broke down and finally faced the truth of how strongly I was attached to positive feedback from others, letting me know that my life had value because it had served them or because they wanted to hire me to speak at their event or coach them through a difficult situation.

I suppose you could say this was a case of a strength (having passion for serving and helping others) becoming a grave weakness (letting my service become a measuring stick of my enoughness).

The universe brings us pain only because that pain can help us open up to love in some way - that's what I believe, anyway.  I also believe the pain will intensify until we finally wake up, or break down as in my case, face the truth of how we are hurting ourselves (usually by believing crappy about ourselves or our lives), and make a more loving choice.

That's what happened to me on Saturday.

When I thought about how harmful it was to believe that my life only had worth if it was useful to someone else, I started thinking about the many hours I had invested in anxiously trying to figure out how to reach people and the many decisions I had made to follow what someone else wanted rather than following my own truth.

Take this blog for example.

Most of the time, I have no idea if anyone reads or benefits from what I write.  Usually, I only post something when I think I have something valuable to offer, but I have to admit that a few times I posted simply because someone else (some article I had read or a marketing "expert" I'd paid for advice) had told me I should post every x number of days.

I'm never sure if what I post is what my readers (assuming I have any) want or need, and that question really, really bothers me. A lot.

What if, I wonder now, what if I opened up and shared the messy particulars of being me, while I also share useful information?

Will anyone be interested?

Does it matter?

Today, I just want to be honest and not dwell on the questions or fears that cause anxiety.  Today, I follow my own truth.

What is the measure of our worth?

Musings on success

Do you ever feel so inspired about your vision that you find it hard to sit still and wait for things to unfold?  That's what I'm struggling with right now.  In the same instant, I want to run outside, beaming and shouting with excitement AND I want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from a heavy fear that my efforts to share & serve will be all for nothing.


I catch myself assuming that there is more I could or should do, which feels yucky.  Then I remember that I am not in control of how or when, or even whether, my gifts are received by others.  That's both comforting and annoying! ;)

Personal Healing: How to Access Your Deep Truth

Do you ever wonder when you'll be smart enough, rich enough, pretty/handsome enough, or just plain enough?  In this week's video I show you a quick, simple exercise that will help you to access your own deep wisdom and answer the "Am I enough?" question once and for all.  Please comment and share :)

Guest blog: How Possibility Can Propel You in Love and Life

Today's article is provided by Sheryl Sitts, MPA, BA, a wonderful woman who helps others open to possibility in every aspect of life. Enjoy!

Every relationship we have, personal and professional, is created and maintained through communication.  Maybe that’s why it fascinates me so much!  From radio announcing to dysfunctional family reunions to mediating family disputes over everything from custody issues to who should get the family boat trailer, I’ve certainly had a fertile ground to observe and learn about human interaction.  It’s fascinating how quickly we can put aside a love we’ve worked hard to grow for years because we can’t get past which one of you is ‘right’.

One trick I particularly like when mediating a dispute where two people are clearly stuck in disagreement is to ask them to move so they are both sitting on the same side of the table.  Then, I place the problem out in the middle of the table and invite them to brainstorm every possible solution they can think of to the problem together.  What happens next is truly amazing.  Partnered together in a common purpose, they move past this-or-that into the realm of pure possibility.  What a magical place!

Sometimes we have internal disagreement with ourselves!  We hold onto belief systems that we were taught until they no longer serve us.  Sensing they don’t work anymore, we want to get rid of them but we were taught things can’t be any other way.  So, we keep doing what we’ve always done and hoping for a different outcome…the definition of insanity, right?  Instead, why not replace whatever is not working with, “I don’t know”.   Whenever we create a void, the Universe immediately sets about filling it.  So, by creating an empty space where that sabotaging belief once was, something else can now show up.  We have invited possibility into our lives again.

It is a bit discomforting at first to sit in the void in a relationship or even in a belief within ourselves.  All our insecurities and hidden fears show up.  However, if we can bring ourselves to simply observe them and let them pass without scrambling to do something and make that uneasy feeling stop, we will soon notice that it isn’t as bad as we feared.  In fact, as possibilities show up and expand our world and our relationships, we often find happiness.   I encourage you to invite possibility into your life in whatever areas you’ve been stuck.  Invite those you love to brainstorm and problem solve with you and discover the real power of collaboration while remembering the love that has been suffering the other way.  Here’s wishing you a life filled with peace, purpose, and passion…naturally!

Sheryl Sitts, MPA, BA is Founder and Chief Inspirational Officer for Journey of Possibilities.  Her own journey has led from corporate America to the Amazon of Peru with a shaman and subsequently on an intense two-year healing path to her current mission of empowering others to live with peace, purpose, and passion.  Her online holistic community features educational articles and forums where guests can ask questions and better understand holistic alternatives while meeting like-spirited individuals and product/service providers.  Sheryl consults with holistic professionals and nonprofits to improve their marketing (online and in person) and business practices to operate successfully and sustainably. Visit Sheryl online at http://www.journeyofpossibilities.com.

How to Set Expectations without Feeling Guilty or Rude

Have you ever felt guilty or worried you'll come across as rude if you set firm expectations with someone?  In a world where politeness has become confused with not speaking our truth, many of us have decided to back down when other people (for example, our employees or kids) don't like what we're asking of them.

The bummer about that is we become stressed, others don't know exactly what's expected of them, and eventually they stop trusting us to lead.  If you want to set expectations firmly but without having to shout or feel angry, follow this advice: Keep It Simple.  I briefly explain this in the video below, but if you'd like a more detailed description, jump to the paragraph below.

When it comes to setting expectations, Keep It Simple means:

• Manage your own emotions.  If you come to the conversation anticipating pushback or worried about being liked, then your nervous system will be prepped for a fight and it will be very difficult for you keep it simple.  Do your best to keep an open heart, breathe deeply and focus on the facts.
• Be clear. If there are only two options, then make that clear.  You might say, "I need you to know that these are the only two options available right now." 
• Avoid debating about why those are the only options, unless you are willing to change them.  If the other person says the two options won't work, invite them to tell you why they believe that.  
• If their answer is free from emotional reaction and they seem to have valid points, then consider whether or not you want to (or can) change the options. 
• If their answer is fueled by emotional reaction, then take that as a clue that they are feeling threatened or afraid.  Ask them what they need in order to succeed with option A or option B and do your best to help them get what they need, but make it clear that they are responsible for their own success.

You don't worry about coming across as rude when you give someone your address do you?  You know that the only way they'll find your house is if you keep it simple and tell them your address, rather than describing the general part of town you live in and hoping they'll eventually find you.  It's the same thing when stating expectations.  Being clear about your expectations empowers the other person to succeed the same way giving your address empowers someone to come to your house.  And, it frees you from the stress of trying to please everyone.  Try it!  I think you'll like it.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.

Effective Communication: Making it Simple

Why is communication so hard?!?  Most of us have wanted to shout that from the rooftops at least once in our lives.  I know I have, and effective communication is my area of expertise!  When communication seems hard, it is because we  are focusing on what's outside of ourselves.  Either we try to memorize personality types, body language tips and role playing scripts, or we spend hours analyzing our own and other people's words & actions, trying to predict what will happen.  How exhausting - and confusing!

That's why I created The Communication Iceberg, a very simple tool that can help you to quickly figure out...

1. What is driving conflict; 
2. What is driving your own frustration, fear or discomfort; and 
3. Where to focus in order to get what you want (e.g., resolve conflict, build relationships or get stuff done)

Before I explain the Iceberg, why not try a simple activity to see for yourself how it works? First, bring to your mind a current situation in which you feel communication is difficult. Do your best to think of the situation in detail, as if it were a scene in a movie.  Then, take a look at the blue portion of The Communication Iceberg and notice what catches your attention.  Next, ask yourself how the item in the Iceberg that caught your attention relates to your difficult situation.  Trust the first thing that comes to your mind.  That process will help you to understand what's really driving the difficulty.  Very often, I discover that the real driver is not at all what I had originally thought.  

For example, I used to be very hard on myself. I took pride in being a perfectionist, even though I never lived up to my expectations. I was afraid of disappointing people, especially my supervisor at work. When I was working for someone who was critical or rarely praised my work, I felt angry that my good work was not acknowledged.  On the surface, it seemed like my boss needed to change her behavior to make me feel better.  However, if I looked below the surface, I would have realized that it was my Deeper Feelings of inadequacy and my Unmet Needs for rest & authentic relationship that really drove my dissatisfaction.  Make sense?

Here's how The Communication Iceberg works: 

• What's above the surface is obvious and reportable. It's what we usually focus on.
• Focus here to define goals, set expectations, coach behavior and acknowledge excellence.
• Be careful to avoid interpretation - Actions, Words & Reactions are obvious, but their meaning is not.
• What's below the surface is internal.  It's what we usually ignore.
• When we give it our attention, it guides us toward deep satisfaction and healing.
• When we ignore or deny it, it drives negative reactions (e.g. fear, anger, blame, worry, despair).
• Focus here to identify what's really going on within yourself.
• Show this to others so they can identify what's going on inside themselves (even if you think you already know).

If you want to get stuff done or guide behavior, be specific about the words or actions that you want.  This works with goal setting very well. You could set the goal "I will lose weight."  Or, you could be specific and paint a picture of what you want to accomplish: "I will walk for 20 minutes every day." Can you see how being specific makes a goal more memorable and actionable? It works with management too; the more specific you are when setting expectations, coaching for improvement, or acknowledging excellence, the more your words will have the impact you desire.

If you want to build relationships or resolve painful reactions, be curious about what's below the surface-within yourself.  Once you recognize what's really going on, then you can decide how you want to address it.  When I became willing to look at how my perfectionism was hurting me, I decided to address it by reading books, spending time in reflection and working with a counselor. Many possibilities open up once we take responsibility for our own Icebergs.

If you are a manager, parent or teacher and you want to help other people to develop, show them the Iceberg.  It isn't your responsibility to guess what's in someone else's Iceberg - and, in fact, it's impossible. 

Summary

90% of what's really going on in communication occurs within ourselves.  The top of the iceberg represents what is obvious in communication - what is reportable.  Words and Actions, whether written, spoken, acted out in person or by video, are obvious. For example, "Annie arrived to work at 8:00am and she did not smile at me." Actions and Words are obvious but their meaning is not.  Unless you ask her, you won't know why Annie did not smile at you (hint: It's probably not about you).

Our brains take care of us by drawing conclusions, like If I sit on that chair, it will hold me.  Conclusions we draw about objects are pretty reliable. But, the conclusions we draw about  people - they never listen to me; he said that because; what she really meant was - rarely are. 

The four items below the surface of The Communication Iceberg - Deeper Feelings, Unmet Needs, Assumptions and Unexpressed Wants - drive negative reactions.  You have the power to identify these within yourself and then take care of what's really going on.

Conclusion

At this point, you might be thinking, "Hey Annie, you said that communication was simple, and what you've shared doesn't seem simple at all. What gives?"  It's true, what you discover below the surface can be pretty messy or confusing.  

The reason I believe that communication is simple is that both the source of and the answers to what's really bothering us always lie within ourselves.  Effective communication isn't about understanding other people's motivations, personality or preferences; it's about understanding and taking responsibility for our own Iceberg.  The Communication Iceberg can help us to quickly identify what's going on below the surface, so that we can spend our time & energy on what really matters.

If you'd like more explanation, I'd be happy to answer your questions - just make a comment here or contact me through my web site.  Or, you can find much more information and guidance in my book The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love.