Breakthrough!

They say, "Good things come to those who wait."  I'm not sure waiting is so powerful, but I do believe good things are around every corner and in each and every moment.  Maybe "Good things come to those who release themselves from yuck" would be more accurate!  In any case, I've titled this post Breakthrough! because I feel like I've flown, with my arm outstretched like SuperAnnie, through an energetic ceiling and found myself in an open, expansive yet comfortable/not scary new space.

The worry that had been plaguing me is gone.  Somehow, sensations of peace and reassurance have taken its place and I feel confident that everything will be alright.  I am resisting any urge to analyze the minute details of this shift because my mind has a way of reinserting worry when I allow it to dwell on things it doesn't understand.  I know that the rest of me - my heart, body and spirit - perceives truth more easily than my mind does, so I am giving my attention to those and allowing my mind to rest and catch up.

Want to know what propelled me into this new space?  What fount of meditative wisdom ushered in tranquility?  Well...it was the complete meltdown I wrote about a few posts ago.  That's right, a meltdown was the key to my freedom.

I got to the point where I was unwilling to pretend everything was alright and I opened up to my pain by giving it full expression.  I cried, ranted, raged, and said exactly what I felt was true in that moment.

Instead of telling myself "It'll be okay" or something else meant to change my state, I said what I really believed: "I've wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on education that isn't helping anyone and is putting immense strain on my life."

If I had dwelled on that last thought, I would have felt worse and worse because my brain would have reinforced my painful belief and the energy would have continued to swirl inside me.  Instead, I gave the thought and its accompanying emotions full expression and guess what happened?  The energy MOVED OUT of me.

Think of it this way: Imagine you are holding a balloon filled with air. You're holding the mouth of the balloon closed and becoming more and more upset about the air that's in the balloon - you want it out.  You look at the balloon, visualize the air leaving it, beat it against a wall over and over again...nothing changes.  Then, when you've had it, you yell, through your arms open wide and, without thinking, you open your hand. The balloon takes off, ejecting air as it spins and races through the air until finally, it comes to rest, empty.  What had seemed impossible was achieved effortlessly once your grip opened up.  That's what happened to me.

Living in a state of openness, rather than trying to control everything, I feel better and my business blossoms.  It's happened many times before, but I forgot because I was so distracted by my failing attempts to control.  Isn't that unnerving?  We can so quickly forget the ease and get stuck in the yuck.  But, luckily, it's just as quick to free ourselves from the yuck and breakthrough into ease.

Last week, I gave a presentation to the local chapter of SHRM, (Society for Human Resource Management).  Afterwards, a woman sent me this email:

Annie,

Thank you for such a wonderful presentation yesterday.  I have my Master’s in HR Management, and have taken a complete course on conflict management.  I got more out of your one hour presentation than that entire course.

How much do you charge to present that 1 hr session to a business?  I would love to have my management team hear your presentation.

Thank you,

I am happy to be attracting new clients. And, even if new clients did not find me, I know that everything is alright.  I am free from the yuck that was plaguing me, so anything is possible!

Do what you do not want to do, Annie.

Do what you do not want to do.  That's what my refrigerator tells me now, every time I see the note I posted last weekend.

My husband and I had gotten into a routine that could have been a case study for The Path of Least Resistance.  Even though we agreed that we were wasting hours every evening watching movies and stupid TV shows on Hulu, neither of us felt like doing anything different.  In fact, most of the time we did not want to do anything different, because we were tired or bummed out and we just wanted to do nothing.  This pattern, along with issues with my work, had me so depressed that I had finally broken down.

Do what you do not want to do.

Over the weekend, Doug and I talked about what we really wanted for ourselves.  Did we really want fatigue, listlessness and expanding waistlines?  Well, no.  Duh.

But really, no, we did not want those, and we finally accepted the fact that we would have to change our behaviors if we wanted to experience something else.

For the first time in a long time, we sat face to face, looked into each other's eyes and talked about our deep desires for our daily life, our careers, and family.  And, we decided that even though we didn't want to change our routine, we would do it.

Do what you do not want to do.

To support ourselves with this change, we moved Doug's office upstairs and made his old office into a workout room, the centerpiece of which is our TV!  This way, if we want to watch something, we'll have to work for it.  Or, rather, the TV will help us enjoy exercising.  See how perspective changes everything, Annie?

Last Monday night, for the first time in a loooong time, Doug and I sat in the living room together with music playing.  We talked, he worked on his new novel (holy moly, is it gonna be good!), and I tried out a couple of recipes from a new Paleo cookbook.

Can I tell you how much we got done?!?  Both of us were amazed by how much energy we had, even after a really busy day.  And, we got the added bonus of super tasty & healthy blueberry muffins :)

Do what you do not want to do.

Another way I'm applying this new mantra is with my thoughts.  It's easy for me to worry and spend tons of mental energy trying to figure out what I can or should do in order for something to turn out "right."  When I get into that pattern, I don't want to let go of my racing thoughts, because what if I'm just about to discover the secrets of the universe?!?

Today, when I sense worry creeping in, I remember my refrigerator's sage advice, Do what you do not want to do, and I choose to focus my attention on positive, affirming thoughts instead.  And you know what?  I've been more productive, I've enjoyed my work more, and my back doesn't hurt as much as  usual.  Hmmmm.

Do what you do not want to do, and eventually, that will become what you want to do!

What is the measure of our worth?

I had a meltdown on Saturday. A true, snotty, sobbing meltdown.

I told my husband that I wanted to give up, and I meant it.

I felt like I had wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on my education and decades on my personal development, because I could not see how I was benefitting anyone.  And, what good was I if I was not benefitting others?

Eighteen months ago, we took a big risk and I left my job to work full-time for myself.  I published a book that, I'm told, is really helpful. Several people have contacted me to thank me for writing it.  Yet, sales have been sluggish and my income has been dismal.

What is the measure of our worth?

What is the measure of my own worth?

Those questions plagued me this weekend, as I broke down and finally faced the truth of how strongly I was attached to positive feedback from others, letting me know that my life had value because it had served them or because they wanted to hire me to speak at their event or coach them through a difficult situation.

I suppose you could say this was a case of a strength (having passion for serving and helping others) becoming a grave weakness (letting my service become a measuring stick of my enoughness).

The universe brings us pain only because that pain can help us open up to love in some way - that's what I believe, anyway.  I also believe the pain will intensify until we finally wake up, or break down as in my case, face the truth of how we are hurting ourselves (usually by believing crappy about ourselves or our lives), and make a more loving choice.

That's what happened to me on Saturday.

When I thought about how harmful it was to believe that my life only had worth if it was useful to someone else, I started thinking about the many hours I had invested in anxiously trying to figure out how to reach people and the many decisions I had made to follow what someone else wanted rather than following my own truth.

Take this blog for example.

Most of the time, I have no idea if anyone reads or benefits from what I write.  Usually, I only post something when I think I have something valuable to offer, but I have to admit that a few times I posted simply because someone else (some article I had read or a marketing "expert" I'd paid for advice) had told me I should post every x number of days.

I'm never sure if what I post is what my readers (assuming I have any) want or need, and that question really, really bothers me. A lot.

What if, I wonder now, what if I opened up and shared the messy particulars of being me, while I also share useful information?

Will anyone be interested?

Does it matter?

Today, I just want to be honest and not dwell on the questions or fears that cause anxiety.  Today, I follow my own truth.

What is the measure of our worth?