Life is more than Either/Or

Either I am good or I am bad...either I am happy or I am sad...either I must work or I can rest...

My mind likes to think in terms of either/or instead of both/and. Maybe it's because either/or thinking is cleaner, more organized. Growing up, organization felt soothing to me because it gave me a sense of safety.  My simple lists (of chores, meals or homework assignments) helped me to believe that something in my chaotic surroundings was predictable.  So, maybe it isn't so much that my mind likes to think in terms of either/or as it is that my mind is used to thinking that way.

Lately I have been noticing different ways in which this coping mechanism - which served me very well when I was young - actually limits my freedom and my joy. Sitting by the ocean, I thought about the fact that the tides move in and out, not in or out. The water is constantly in motion, and that motion facilitates life for millions of creatures. The most beautiful times of day occur when day and night blend, showing me what both/and can create.

I think it's time for me to put down little Annie's safety blanket called Either/Or so that I can open up to my life's fullest, deepest, yummiest, messiest potentialities. I enjoy working and I enjoy resting - sometimes in the very same day! Sometimes I feel happy and sad at the same time. My whole being yearns to serve the world and to be a mother and to live in love with my husband. When I think of choosing one or the other, my energy drops and my heart feels sad and scared.  But, when I think of opening up to all three, my energy soars and my heart sings!

Today, I remember that my mind supports me by repeating patterns and some of those patterns that used to serve me, now no longer do. I also remember that my heart and body support me by responding to my thoughts in ways that help me to decide if those thoughts are true and helpful, or false and unhelpful.  By giving attention to my body (energy) and my heart in this moment, I am learning to relax into a new pattern, called Both/And. That feels soooooo good!

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My newest book, The Secret Life of Communication: Opening to Unlimited Love, is a great resource if you are curious about how your mind, heart, body and spirit/intuition communicate within you.

Allowing VS Controlling

Like many couples, my husband and I are opposites. He was predisposed to go with the flow, while I came out of the womb with a checklist in hand!  My urge to control comes in handy during a crisis, but at most other times, it actually creates a sense of crisis inside of me - one that my brain wants to resolve by trying to control even more.

My hubby and I are both authors and each of our books was published in September. Since then, Doug has continued to post to his blog and, while he would like more readers to post reviews of his book on Amazon, he's been very calm about the whole thing, trusting that if his fantasy novel is supposed to be successful, it will be.

I, on the other hand, have signed us up for marketing workshops, read books on how to publicize a book, and generally kept myself awake adding to my "To Do" list and knowing I can't possibly complete it. 

While Doug trusted fully, I trusted on a superficial level, 

but emotionally, physically and mentally 

I worried that I wasn't doing enough...

...and therefore, my book would not help the millions of people I believe it can help, and therefore, I would have wasted my life (a bit melodramatic, I know, but that's where my brain can take me in a nanosecond).  And oh, by the way, I'm exhausted. 

So, here's the thing: I teach that everything in our lives mirrors the core beliefs we hold about ourselves. My belief that I have to do/control has been mirrored to me in my physical, mental and emotional weariness and by very slow progress with responses to my marketing efforts (as far as I know). 
  
On the other hand, Doug's belief that his role is to facilitate or allow whatever is meant to be, has been mirrored to him beautifully in the past week.  Without him controlling anything, his book was selected by Barnes and Noble to be sold in stores, then the same day we heard that great news, he received a phone call from a blogger who had come across Doug's business card, on which he has his book cover and a QR code for the book.  The blogger was so taken by Doug's book cover that she visited his blog and she liked his blog so much, that she decided she wanted to read his book and write a blog about it!

Seeing my beloved engage with life as an Allower helps me to deepen my trust in the process.  This weekend, I put my Controller to bed and decided to focus on following my bliss from moment to moment. If I feel inspired to market my book, I will.  If I feel inspired to take a walk or nap, I will.  Today, I awoke to find 2 new 5 star reviews of my book posted to Amazon and a message from a reader who told me my book had changed her life. 

As soon as we change what's on the inside, 

life mirrors those changes on the outside.

Is it okay to rest? Ask your body or heart first.

It's Thanksgiving week in the US and holiday time in many countries, which means that we should be busy all the time taking care of others, making sure our homes look perfect and ensuring that everyone is happy.  Right?  If we're tired, then that's a good sign that we're doing what we're supposed to, because 'tis the season for giving, not receiving.  Right?  And, if we're suffering, then we MUST be doing something right.  Right?  

Depending on your upbringing and how much time you spend looking outside yourself to assess your worth, you might believe everything I just wrote. I know I used to believe it. In fact, I used to feel guilty if I rested and I believed that if I was not suffering in some way, then I wasn't working hard enough. It's no wonder depression skyrockets during the holidays, is it? 

When we only pay attention to our thoughts, 

we can become driven by "shoulds" 

and disconnected from the joy in life.

If you feel exhausted or overwhelmed this week, you can open up to ease by trying one or more of the exercises below. I use them all the time to help me overcome the "shoulds.":

1.  Take a deep breath, let it out fully. Place your hand on the center of your chest and continue breathing deeply. When you're ready, ask yourself, "Is it okay for me to rest?" and then notice the first thing that comes to your mind. 

2.  Do your best to give your attention to the first response you notice when you ask, "Is it okay for me to rest?" The first thing that comes to your mind will be from your deeper truth. Right after that, your mind might jump in with the old messages, like "No, you can't rest." If that happens or if you start having anxious thoughts, just take another deep breath and repeat the question. 

3.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What does it feel like to be in my skin right now?" If you notice that your body feels tired, consider lying down for 10 minutes. If lying down inspires anxiety, then consider stepping outside into the cool air or simply stretching your arms up and moving your body in some way that isn't work.

4.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "How does my heart feel right now?" Whatever the response is, you don't have to change it. Just giving your attention to your heart will open up a sense of ease, even if you feel like crying - let yourself cry because crying is one way that the body releases energy. 

5.  Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What is the next right thing for me to do?" and then notice how the response that you get feels to you. 

I know there are lots of other great ways to open up to ease during the holiday season ~ please tell me what works for you in the comment section.  And, remember: 

You are enough, just are you are!

(really)

Looking into the mirror

I've been looking into the mirror of myself and wondering which reflections to believe, which reflections to transform.  I know that my power relies on the images I choose to believe, and my future will be shaped by them.

In the past, when I looked inside, I only saw images I wanted to change; nothing inside me looked good enough to my sight, and I gave my power away to people and things outside of myself that promised to make me worthy (of love, security, relationship, play).

Today, I know that when my internal mirror shows me an image I don't like or want to change, that's just a sign that my body, mind, heart or spirit is in need of love.  Today, I use my power to open up to love in every moment, beginning with love from me to me. That way, I have no need of others' validation and I am free to give and receive without fear.